Opposite Day News: President Harris Sworn In, Declares Radical Competence

By

Melanie Sovran Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Mall was packed today as President Kamala Harris was sworn in as the 47th President of the United States, ending what many call "America’s most exhausting election season."

While former President Donald Trump’s loser party saw a lackluster turnout—largely due to his insistence that it be held at Mar-a-Lago, where the only confirmed attendees were his remaining legal team and a handful of confused tourists—Harris’s swearing-in drew a record-breaking crowd stretching from the Lincoln Memorial to Delaware. Experts estimate that at least 80 million people attended in the freezing temperatures, though Fox News insists the crowd was “a deepfake generated by woke AI overlords.”

In her historic inauguration speech, Harris declared, “America have suffered enough. Today, we begin the process of healing the collective trauma that we all endured. That means looking in the mirror and fixing the parts of our system the public is unhappy about, It means reinstating reproductive rights for women because no government should tell anyone what to do with their body. It means keeping science relevant, and implementing a mandatory Constitution exam for all elected officials to remind them who it is they serve.”

Departing the ceremony, Harris walked directly to the White House and immediately signed an executive order to have Elon Musk investigated for election interference. Sources say Vice President Tim Walz enthusiastically approved the decision, later posting, “No billionaire is above the law.” The two also shared a call with Canada’s Trudeau and Mexico’s Sheinbaum and invited them to dinner at the White House, saying, “It was the neighborly thing to do to work on beneficial relations for all North Americans.”

The inaugural parade featured new electric vehicles, yet absent of the Tesla brand, free public healthcare enrollment booths, and a Broadway-style reenactment of the January 6th insurrection called Insurrection the Musical performed by actors in Proud Boy gear later turned orange jumpsuits.

The night concluded with a firework show spelling out “FACTS MATTER” across the D.C. sky, a subtle jab at Mark Zuckerberg, who tried to remove fact-checkers on his social media app. While Republicans condemned the display as “woke liberal pyrotechnics,” most Americans simply enjoyed the return of a president who could construct complete sentences.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s top story: President Harris announces her first major infrastructure project—The Bridge to Mexico.